Monthly Archives: October 2011

Laurel and Hardy dance to modern songs

From Herb Stepp, Friend of the Forge

// http://www.theblaze.com/stories/want-to-see-comedy-legends-laurel-hardy-dancing-to-the-hits/

Advertisements

New Texas Priest

From Rick Bruno, 71C

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like ‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better than slapping your knee and saying, “No shit, what happened next?”

 

Questions That Haunt Me!

From Rick Bruno, 71C

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT  ME!


Can you cry under  water?

How  important does a person have to be before they are considered  assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do  you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for  your thoughts’?  Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once  you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were  buried in for eternity?

Why does  a round pizza come in a square box?

What  disease did cured ham actually have?

How is  it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a  good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why  is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up  like every two hours?

If a deaf person has  to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are  you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do  people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars  to look at things on the ground?

Why do  doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway…

Why is ‘bra’  singular and ‘panties’ plural?

Why do  toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible  crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy  cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the  professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut,  why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does  Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re  both dogs!

If corn  oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,  what is baby oil made from?

If  electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the  Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did  you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice  that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you  take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why,  Why, Why

do we  press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are  getting dead?

Why do  banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is  not enough money?

Why does  someone believe you when you say there are  four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do  they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why  doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does  Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a  revolver at him?

Why do  Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose  idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

If people evolved from  apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it  that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always  white?

Is there  ever a day that  mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do  people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that  something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do  people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum  cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down  to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is  it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do  those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it  that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the  table you always manage to knock something else over?

In  winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer  when we complained about the heat?

How come  you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my  FAVORITE………
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Do you ever  wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
~~~Now  send this on to your friends and make them smile too!

Advice for an Old Guy!!

I was  working out in the gym when I spotted a sweet
gorgeous young  thing…

I asked  the trainer who was near-by, “What machine should I use to  impress that sweet thing over  there?”
 The  trainer looked me up and down and  said
“……try the ATM in the  hallway!!”

Winning???

From Rick Bruno, 71C

https://bakersboyz.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/winning.pptx

Blonde 710

From Herb Stepp, Friend of the Forge

This blonde joke is absolutely priceless.  Had me to the very end !!  One of the cleverest ever… 

 

                 
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred- ten?’
She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..’

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked ‘is there a 710 on this car?’.

She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’ the mechanic fainted

If you’re not sure what a 710 is

Scroll down