Category Archives: Jokes / Comments – PG

Laurel and Hardy dance to modern songs

From Herb Stepp, Friend of the Forge

// http://www.theblaze.com/stories/want-to-see-comedy-legends-laurel-hardy-dancing-to-the-hits/

Questions That Haunt Me!

From Rick Bruno, 71C

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT  ME!


Can you cry under  water?

How  important does a person have to be before they are considered  assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do  you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only a ‘penny for  your thoughts’?  Where’s that extra penny going to?

Once  you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were  buried in for eternity?

Why does  a round pizza come in a square box?

What  disease did cured ham actually have?

How is  it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a  good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why  is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up  like every two hours?

If a deaf person has  to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are  you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do  people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars  to look at things on the ground?

Why do  doctors leave the room while you change?
They’re going to see you naked anyway…

Why is ‘bra’  singular and ‘panties’ plural?

Why do  toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible  crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy  cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the  professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut,  why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does  Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re  both dogs!

If corn  oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,  what is baby oil made from?

If  electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the  Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did  you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice  that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you  take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why,  Why, Why

do we  press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are  getting dead?

Why do  banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is  not enough money?

Why does  someone believe you when you say there are  four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do  they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why  doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does  Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a  revolver at him?

Why do  Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose  idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

If people evolved from  apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it  that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always  white?

Is there  ever a day that  mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do  people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that  something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do  people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum  cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down  to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is  it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do  those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it  that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the  table you always manage to knock something else over?

In  winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer  when we complained about the heat?

How come  you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my  FAVORITE………
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you.

Do you ever  wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
~~~Now  send this on to your friends and make them smile too!

Advice for an Old Guy!!

I was  working out in the gym when I spotted a sweet
gorgeous young  thing…

I asked  the trainer who was near-by, “What machine should I use to  impress that sweet thing over  there?”
 The  trainer looked me up and down and  said
“……try the ATM in the  hallway!!”

Blonde 710

From Herb Stepp, Friend of the Forge

This blonde joke is absolutely priceless.  Had me to the very end !!  One of the cleverest ever… 

 

                 
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred- ten?’
She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..’

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked ‘is there a 710 on this car?’.

She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’ the mechanic fainted

If you’re not sure what a 710 is

Scroll down

Hunting Season

 

Saturday

1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.

2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drags you out of bed.

2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.

3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.

3:15 A.M. Drive back home and get gun.

3:30  A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before daylight.

4:00 A.M. Set up camp — forgot the sleeping tent.

4:30 A.M. Head into woods.

6:05 A.M. See eight deer.

6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 A.M. “CLICK”

6:08 A.M. Load gun, while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.

9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.

10:00 A.M. Realize you don’t know where camp is.

NOON Fire gun for help– eat wild berries.

12:15 P.M. Ran  out of bullets — eight deer come back.

12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.

12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.

12:35 P.M. Keep shouting  until you are hoarse.

12:45 P.M. Rescued, rushed to hospital — stomach pumped.

3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.

3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill a deer.

4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 P.M. Load gun — leave camp again.

5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that’s bugging you.

6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.

6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.

6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.

6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.

6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.

6:07 P.M. Fall into the camp fire.

6:10 P.M. Change clothes — throw burned ones into fire.

6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in the woods.

6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over — hole shot in radiator.

6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.

6:37 P.M. Fire gun — blow up barrel, plugged with mud.

6:38 P.M. Very offensive ordor coming from pants.

6:39 P.M. Climb a tree quick.

9:00 P.M. Bear departs — Wrap gun around the tree.

11:00 P.M. Spend 2 hours finding camp, partner, and a way home.

MIDNIGHT Home at last.

Sunday

Watch ball game on TV, while tearing hunting license into little pieces, place them into an envelope and mail to Game Warden with very explicit instructions on  what to do with them.

 

 

 

The Power of Beer

From Larry Bamundo, 71C
A worthwhile reminder to all the guzzlers   out there.
The   power of beer…
A   man who walks into a bar and drinks beer.

Every time he   finishes a glass, he takes a photo out of his pocket, looks at it and ask for   another beer.

After drinking 4 glasses the bartender,   puzzled, asked him why after each beer looks at the   photo.

The man replied that it was the picture of his wife   and when he began to find her pretty, he understood it was time to go   home.

To see an illustrated   example just click   here and move the mouse to the   right.

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Moral of the Story

From Rick Bruno, 71C

Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. ‘Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt..Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.  Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.’

Mummy fainted!
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!